Wanna feel human again

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Most moms can relate… And if you can’t, you are probably some sort of alien or something! After you have a baby, you feel like a mess!

You are physically exhausted from growing your baby for nearly 10 months, then there’s the actual birthing process and there is no really recovery period. Baby comes out and the real work begins! You go from exhausted to barely functional. My blog has suffered for sure, as you can tell, it’s been a few days since my last post! (I have so many posts to catch up on!)

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It does get easier with each baby, at least I think it has (or maybe I am the alien?!?). It depends on the neediness level your baby as well. My most high maintenance, and fussiest baby, was my first… And each baby seemed to be less fussy and more laid back. Maybe it’s a reflection of how I have evolved as a mom. Although Hubbs would not agree that I am less fussy and more laid back! Haha!

Anyhow, there a few things that make you feel so “human again” in those first weeks of post-partum. For me, a shower works wonders. I hardly had time to shower every other day before Peanut was delivered so you can imagine how hard it is now that he’s here and I have four children vying for my attention. It takes extreme efforts to work it in the schedule in the morning, which is my preferred time of day to shower, because washing my frizzy hair at night and sleeping on it only results in terrible hair day. Anyhow, making time to not only shower but also blow dry my hair and apply make-up is like the equivalent to a day at the spa for me anymore.

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Another thing that really makes me feel good is making my bed. I think it tricks me into feeling like the house or my room is really not as messy as it truly is. When I realize how truly behind I am on housework, my anxiety level spikes. The whole thought process of this house is a wreck, laundry is 15 loads behind, when the hell am I gonna get any of it done?!?!? Make the bed. All is calm.

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What makes you “feel human again”?

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“You can’t stay pregnant forever”…

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Yep… That’s what one of the nurses said to me, the lady past due with her forth child, as I laid there in terrible pain, being discharged because they did not have time to induce me. I needed to be on the “schedule” for that. (but if my cervix was working, I guess they make time?)

Had I been composed enough to school her, I would have. Mostly I wanted to scratch her eyes out but decided too control myself.

I am not a doctor or midwife or doula. I don’t deliver babies all day. I do know my own body and from experience, it is not cooperative when it comes to the actual act of going into labor. I joke about it and try to make light of it, but really I am being dead serious and it bothers me quite a bit. When I hear someone talk about how they went into labor on their own, I get ridiculously jealous… Like too an unhealthy level.

People will say, especially the nurses and midwifes LOVE to say tell you (and if you are like me, you get real freaking tired of it and you want to go insane on them) … your baby will come when your ready. Oh really?? Apparently you missed that special on tv about the woman with the 30 yr old fetus, didn’t you???

Not every one’s body works the way it should. If it did, there would be a lot of pissed off doctors and nurses, out of work with piles of college bills to pay. I do not know why this is the general assumption… Ya know, especially since we all like in a perfect world. Not.
It makes people like me feel broken and insufficient, like a failure.

Not to mention, although it was probably barbaric, c-sections have been dated back to like 300 BC. Why? Well, it wasn’t because mom wanted too but because there was a medical need. Nowadays, I think c-sections and inductions tend to be performed more often unnecessarily and for social reasons but it is not always the case. If mom is having a medical emergency, a c-section will save lives.

I have been lucky so far that I have not needed a c-section. My body reacts positively to petocin so my babies have been born via induction. I firmly believe that if not for modern day medicine, I would still be pregnant with my first – just like that woman in India.

As I have mentioned, we grow big babies in this family. It is a trait on Hubbs side of the family. There is no history of prenatal diabetes… just big, hearty, healthy babies… Ready to be put to work on the farm! Haha! Which is also another pet peeve of mine… The drs and nurses assume me or baby has a sugar problem when they find out how I have big babies. It is just as simple as genetics! It also makes a natural birth a little more challenging, even if you are able to go into real labor on your own.

Anyhow, with my first baby, the doctor allowed me to wait over a week past my due date knowing the possibility of the baby being rather large. I understand this is common practice with first time moms, I get it. A week past my due date, and my cervix had not done a thing and I had been in false labor for weeks. (supposedly contractions are what cause your cervix to progress and ready for labor). My labor with him was so bad, I SWORE I would never get pregnant again. (well we see how that worked out). He was huge and I was in hard labor for 2 1/2 hours, so physically exhausted, I would sleep for even 30 secs between contractions and pushing. My dr was on the verge of rushing me to the OR for emergency c-section when I was finally able to get him out. An absolutely terrible birthing experience… Not like I would ever call a birthing experience good. I mean, the end result, your beautiful baby, is good but the process is excruciating and there is a lot of yucky fluids involved.

I know women who start to dilate and get stuck therefore needing a c-section. So how does the “when your ready” method apply here?? You continue to labor and not progress therefore causing stress on the baby and baby passes meconium, or worse! So if one is in the sort of situation, you cannot sit around and wait for your body to finish “getting ready”. Maybe you see where I am going with this. “You’re not ready” is a freaking cop out. I hate it. I hate hearing it. I want to banish it from all languages.

So, why doesn’t my cervix work? (all you all-knowing can kiss it if you try to tell me there is no such thing as a cervix that doesn’t work- I have been through it!!!) I get nice strong contractions. This morning they felt like the contractions I get on petocin… Bent over, crying in pain. But my cervix is still doing a whole lotta nothing. When the midwife tells me I am dilated to 1, I do not believe her. I think she is trying to be nice to me and lift my spirits. I am not freaking idiot. This is my forth pregnancy, remember?!?! Your mind games only set me up for disappointment and anger.

So I am curious, what is it that I am deficient in? Why do i have such a hard time going into real labor? And why is it that the petocin helps me?

I have done a little research and it all makes sense to me now. I can’t wait to educate my drs tomorrow! It is going to be awesome. Well, for me at least.

Both men and women have a hormone called oxytocin. This is the “cuddle” hormone. It is also the hormone responsible for causing contractions that ready your cervix and help you deliver your baby. It is also believed to vital to the nursing process. On this note: I have never produced more then 2 oz of breast milk, ever. It’s all starting to make sense… The nursing specialist (the one who cost me $450 with her nonsense) had told me that all women make enough milk for their babies, can shove it now.

When someone is deficient in this hormone… Well I am just going to quote it:

“What is oxytocin used for?

The medical use of oxytocin has centered primarily on labor and delivery, dating back as far as 1906. Common trade names for prescription oxytocin used for labor and delivery are pitocin and syntocinon.

The science of oxytocin outside of labor and delivery use is still relatively new. However, studies as early as 1998 have been conducted on the effectiveness of oxytocin as a treatment for autism as well as schizophrenia. Essentially, oxytocin’s role is to assist in the modulation of the amygdala — the brain’s center for stress hormones.

Oxytocin deficiency

If oxytocin production is not working optimally and an individual has an oxytocin deficiency, then he or she may be prone to postpartum depression, generalized depression and anxiety, social isolation, phobias, panic attacks, sleep difficulties, and other common stress related ailments.

In 1995 the Atlanta Center for the Study of Disease Control estimated that 80% of diseases and disorders are related to stress. Hypothetically, if the brain’s modulating hormone for cortisol is not working effectively then the outcome is an increase in many of the ailments common today.”
-task.fm

Ha! It is a real problem. Oxytocin deficiency. Cortisol levels are also linked to being over weight… I really think I am onto something here. Need to do more research! Oh and cut out all stress… Oookkkkkkkkk

In the meantime, I will take great pleasure in responding to the nurse when she asks if I am dilated, “Due to oxytocin deficiency, NO.”

Where’d my cooking mojo go

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First, my drs appt didn’t go exactly how I wanted… But it’s really for the best and I am okay with it. We decided to go another week before scheduling an induction so that I will have time to get Hubbs healed and back on his feet, hopefully. He tried to get through the day without pain meds but couldn’t. He made it to about 10am. He did get out of the house today for some fresh air and sunshine. I think that helped him quite a bit.

Second, I have been a cooking FAIL lately. I blame pregnancy… And being really busy. I haven’t been making my weekly menus which are integral to keeping me on track. Additionally, all I feel like eating are McFlurrys or Rita’s… I don’t know what is going on with me!! I haven’t even been able to make eggs correctly lately! Grrrr!

I did manage to pull this together tonight and it was actually pretty good…

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Grilled Chicken Breast:
While grill was warming, I tossed chicken in a bowl with 1 – 2 tbsp EVOO, 1 tbsp dried thyme, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp pepper, 1/2 tbsp + garlic, and juice of 1/2 a lemon. Grilled chicken to an internal temp of 165 degrees.

Green Beans:
Tossed frozen organic green beans in boiling water and simmered 2 mins. Drained green beans and tossed back in pan with 1/2 tbsp butter, salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper. I didn’t measure… Maybe less then 1/2 tsp salt… Definitely don’t over do your salting.

K, so the potatoes where left over from last night and they were like the pre-made kind. I know. Shame… Aw well!

So our healthy eating is beginning. Dinner is normally our healthiest meal of the day (when I plan appropriately) so my downfall is all the other meals and snacks my family has during the day.

I need to get my cooking AND planning mojo back, pronto!

Anxiety

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Being 4 days away from the official 40 week mark of this pregnancy… I am freaking out!

Most moms, even when it’s your forth kid, go through the normal mommy worries. Will delivery go well? Praying he’s healthy. Will I be a good mom? How in the hell am I gonna be able to handle 4 kids? Yadda yadda yadda… This little man was very much not “planned”… Hubbs and I had decided that we were good and were not going to have anymore children. Well, unbeknownst to us, there is certainly another plan in place!!

One day I was just feeling like crap, I was sitting there being a lazy load and realized my monthly visitor had not arrived as expected. My part-time college student helper was out running errands for me and I asked her to pick up some tests… I felt horrible asking her – I mean how embarrassing! She said she didn’t mind. What followed was an extremely emotional afternoon… That feeling like “how am I going to handle another baby… And one that’s due during our busiest time of year” … Ya know that OH CRAP kinda feeling.

**Note: none of my babies have ever been “planned”… I am really a roll with it kind of person. I believe that babies are miracles, blessings, and gifts from God. So when I say “handle another baby”, I am referring to adequately caring for him… There is no other option in our minds. Babies are a lot of work and we will do it… It can still be scary.**

Anyhow… As I said… Baby boy is due during our busiest time of year. And it’s busy. And I have never gone into labor on my own so I am normally induced after 40 weeks. I firmly believe I am broken and even though this pregnancy has been a breeze compared to my past pregnancies, I have lost hope of going into labor on my own and I am sure he’s going to be just as big as his brothers and sister. I have big babies (all have been 9+) so letting me go too far past my due date isn’t very desirable. Even my daughter was a little more then 9lbs. That’s just how we roll.

And now I have the added stress of Hubbs being hurt and unable to walk!

So let’s try to handle 15 job sites, a broken husband, and a newborn in the next two weeks. Oh and ya know, my 3 other kids. FREAKING. OUT. The house has gone to hell… And I am going to have to let it go for now. I’d like to claim super mom status and be able to have it all under control but I can’t. Ah well. Everyone’s fed and has clean clothes to wear.

Today is GORGEOUS! Kids were out playing bright and early.

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Hubbs is feeling a little better and wants to try to make it through the day without pain meds (just taking the anti-inflammatory). We have a drs appt for me and baby in a few minutes and I am hoping we can plan my induction for the end of this week. Hubbs should hopefully be able to at least stand better by then and I would like to be home with baby so we can roll right back into work by Monday. Last week, baby boy was still too high. Hopefully, he’s figured out that the exit is south! I feel like he’s confused and thinks he can come out through my belly button. It’s a bit painful! Considering I have been having lots of contractions, I am praying he’s moved down!!

Today feels like it’s going to be a good day.

I guess we will know soon enough!

20120626-092629.jpg Cakes bringing me flowers! XOXO

Dear Hormones

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I hate you. Especially right now because I let you get the best of me. Normally, I can control my emotions, at least a little better then I did tonight.

I am roughly 2 weeks from the due date of my forth baby. After dropping my cup of water, seeing the hall closet door open and a pile of towels on the floor, proved too much for me and I burst into hysterics.

Hubbs being the overprotective Hubbs that he is, made the boys get out of bed and address the issue immediately. I appreciate him very much.

Those that read my blog and don’t know me, are probably thinking, this chick is nuts. I won’t deny it. However, in my defense, we have a whole going on.

We own a business that can be quite stressful at times… Mostly all of the time. I have undue family issues on my side that stress me. We are about to be parents to four kids. That’s a lot in and of itself.

Now, one of those kid’s is Wildman. I love this kid so much it hurts. He is very loving, kindhearted, smart, creative, and goofy. He is also the kid that hoards trash in his room. He is the one who leaves the avalanche of towels on the hallway floor, EVERYDAY. It is nearly impossible for him to clean up after himself. When we are out with friends, I am on edge, afraid of what embarrassing thing he will say or do. These are just a few of the minor issues I have to deal with on a daily basis.

You are probably thinking, what kind of mother are you… Saying negative things about your child. I am a real mother. I don’t skirt around things. I am so far from perfect, it’s not even funny. My kids are not perfect. I am not under some stupid illusion that my children can do no wrong. To be a good mom, you must realize your child’s weaknesses. You have to learn to deal with them appropriately or you are screwed… And probably so is your kids. I do not make excuses for my kids. Something is wrong, own it, and fix it.

With Wildman, it’s just a tad different.
Over the last year, I have come to realize that he is a bit more “challenged” when it comes to following directions and remembering things. I have noticed delays with him since he was a baby. Last summer, I had him tested for learning disabilities. They told me he was still to young to make any diagnosis. By the end of kindergarten this year, it is clear he learns different, he has difficulty remembering directions and following multi-step directions is a huge challenge. We have yet to have any official diagnosis as we are once again entering into the testing process.

Any Mom out there who is blessed with a baby who learns different will tell you how hard it can be. There are people who think he’s fine or he’s just being a boy. To this, I would like to challenge them to deal with the daily chaos that is Wildman. Where other “boys” minds work in a straight line, Wildman’s goes zig zag and loopy loop and back again. If your brain operates in a straight line, can you imagine how hard it is to function in Wildmans brain? I can’t and I wouldn’t exactly say I have any straight lines in my brain. And so, I need help to learn how to appropriately help with my precious boy. I need support and guidance and advise that works.

So right now, we are trying things like routines and schedules. Memory tasks. But I still do not know exactly what he is dealing with so how can I deal with correctly? And so I still get frustrated. Ya kno what, so does he! Hopefully soon we will be able to find methods that work.

So ya, the avalanche of towels made me cry… a lot.

Potatoes Make My Belly Happy

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My belly is a work in progress. I have been to a number of different doctors over the years, and none of them can come to a conclusion. One doctor said I have Celiac based on my blood test, then he tells me he’s not sure, and to swallow the medicine in an inhaler (at which point I decided he was out of his damn mind and left hopeless). Another said he thinks I have IBS.

I have really given up on getting an actual official diagnosis from an actual doctor. My belly hurt every day, all day. I was beyond exhausted all the time. I would describe this level of fatigue like all the blood was being sucked from my body. I felt so tired, it was laborious to just breathe. And I could not lose weight to save my whole entire life (maintaining an extra 40/50lbs over what is healthy for me is an issue too). I have been battling these problems for like over 10 years.

It was the day after my daughters 2nd birthday party … February 13th.

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(had to throw a pic in of her royal cuteness.)

I sat down to have breakfast of bread and butter, leftover from her party. Not even 5 minutes after eating, I thought I was going to die. The fatigue was so bad, I decided at that moment, I was cutting gluten. If I felt better, great! If not, I do not know… Probably back to the doctors to try again. This is not normal!

It was hard… There is wheat in a lot of food! Particularly, processed food. I no longer felt sick after eating. I mean I felt better. Like actually felt better. I am now 34 weeks pregnant and have only gained one pound. I know it’s because of cutting gluten. It’s like my body is thanking me or something.

I also had an awful habit of drinking diet coke. Coffee triggers my gag reflex, so my pick-me-up is diet coke. I happen to love it, especially from the fountain. Maybe it’s the bubbles? I have no idea. I REPEATEDLY asked the doctors of the diet coke could also be upsetting my stomach. Every single time, they would tell me No! Soda won’t upset your stomach. I am not convinced. I just recently finally stopped drinking it completely. It was a lot to consider quitting gluten and diet coke at the same time. I had to work up to it. I will make tea when I want something other then water.

Still sometimes my belly will hurt… Usually in the morning. Maybe I ate something that had gluten and I didn’t realize it. Or maybe my tummy is just not settled in the morning. I can remember since I was a little kid having stomach pain in the morning. When I used to work on the horse farm years and years ago, if I got up before 5am, I would end up puking. Like the bile in my stomach too much in the mornings or something? Who knows. I gave up on the doctors remember?!??

So I have found that eating potato instantly calm my belly. Maybe it’s the starch soaking up some of that yuckiness? Especially like a baked potato or I like to make a little hash browns in my cast iron skillet. Sweet potato works too.

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This morning, I put a couple potatoes on a paper plate. Draped them in a soaking wet paper towel and cooked on high for like 5 minutes. I checked one of taters in the middle for fineness by sticking it with a fork… It gave me a little resistance so I put them back in for a minute and half. While that was going on, I got my skillet hot. I chopped a large shallot, like 4 small cloves of garlic, and half a jalapeño. I am like coconut oil right now. (makes the house smell like the beach) put a spoon full of oil and a like half teaspoon of butter (I love real butter). Once potatoes were done, I used a fork and knife and sliced them. They are hot. I didn’t feel like burning my fingers. I through shallots, garlic, jalapeño in to soften maybe like a minute or two. Then added potatoes. Turn the pan up high. Mix it all together then smush potatoes down into a one layer – oh an add salt and pepper! Let brown and get crispy. Flip and lite other side get crispy. Yum.

Hash browns are not complete without

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🙂

Now, it’s time for me to heal my belly.

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Instantly soothed.